Satisfying Love Relationships: How to Build a Secure Attachment

Attachment theory is a psychological model that describes how people develop emotional attachments to others. For example, when you feel protected, seen, and supported by your partner, you have a secure attachment. How we connect with our partners is part of what helps us feel satisfied in our marriages and love relationships.

What is secure attachment, and how can having this dynamic help you and your partner in your marriage or love relationship? How can couples therapy in New York City at Loving at Your Best help you and your partner get closer to this ideal model? 

What is secure attachment?

A secure attachment is a bond between partners founded on trust, safety, and emotional connection. Partners feel safe in their relationship and are confident that their partner will be physically and emotionally available for them.

A partner who has a secure attachment feels comfortable sharing their emotions, desires and needs with their partner. They also trust that they’ll get emotional support and be backed up by their partner when needed.

How does secure attachment fit into couples therapy?

Couples therapy helps partners to work through problems and improve their marriage. At Loving at Your Best Marriage and Couples Counseling, we use secure attachment as a model to help partners in a marriage or love relationship create more satisfying and healthier relationships.

The first step our therapists use with partners in couples therapy using secure attachment is to identify both partners’ attachment styles. Attachment patterns include secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized styles. We help partners accurately recognize their attachment styles so that we understand how each partner interacts with the other.

After identifying the attachment styles, our therapist can work with each partner to develop a more secure attachment bond using a variety of methods, including:

Communication: In any relationship, how partners talk is essential. Secure attachment couples communicate comfortably and honestly without fear of judgment or rejection. Our therapist can help partners improve their communication skills by teaching them to listen empathically, express their emotions clearly, and avoid blaming and criticizing one another.

Emotional help: Another necessary component of secure attachment is emotional support. In a secure attachment, partners mentally support each other by giving comfort, reassurance, and validation. By encouraging partners to be empathetic, validating, and supportive of each other’s emotions, our therapist can help the couple enhance their emotional support.

Trust is an essential component of secure attachment. Partners in a secure attachment trust each other to be physically and mentally present for them. Our therapists can help partners develop confidence by encouraging them to be dependable, consistent, and accountable to one another.

What are the advantages of having a secure attachment in a marriage?

 A marriage can benefit tremendously from modeling characteristics of a secure attachment style. Some of the advantages that can help couples include the following: 

Emotional intimacy: Secure attachment couples are more emotionally intimate, which means they share their more vulnerable emotions. This emotional intimacy and vulnerability strengthen the link between partners.

Conflict resolution: Secure attachment couples are much better at resolving conflicts. They are likelier to listen empathically, communicate successfully, and collaborate to find a solution that benefits both partners.

Improved mental health: Secure attachment couples have better mental health. Compared to insecure partners, secure attachment couples are less anxious, depressed, stressed, and more resilient to life’s obstacles.

Couples counseling at Loving at Your Best in New York City, secure attachment can be used as a model for marriages and love relationships. Partners build a bond founded on confidence, safety, and mental security. Couples can work with one of our expert therapists to improve their communication, emotional support, and trust to establish a secure attachment. Emotional intimacy, dispute resolution, and better mental health are all advantages of secure attachment in marriages and love relationships.

Emotional availability is a critical component of secure attachment. Partners can be present and sensitive to each other’s feelings and respond to each other with warmth and support. When both partners are emotionally available, they can strengthen their emotional bond and feel more secure.

Our therapists may use emotionally focused therapy, schema therapy, and Gottman Method Couples Therapy to help you and your partner become more emotionally accessible to each other. Exploring previous emotional experiences, identifying patterns of interaction, and practicing new methods of expressing emotions can help both of you create more security in your relationship.

How do you develop more security?

The ability to soothe and comfort your partner is another essential element of secure attachment. How do partners accomplish this? Partners can offer mental support and reassurance to your companion when they are stressed, anxious, or upset. Both partners in a secure attachment can depend on each other for comfort and support.

Our therapists may also use cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) in couples therapy and schema therapy (ST) to help you as a couple to develop more effective coping methods for stress and anxiety. Partners work to identify negative thought patterns, practice relaxation methods, and create better stress management strategies.

Creating a secure attachment in a marriage or love relationship takes work. Couples may need to work through past traumas, handle communication problems, and make behavioral changes. On the other hand, the advantages of a secure attachment are well worth the work. Couples can establish a more fulfilling and satisfying marriage by developing a solid emotional bond based on trust and support.

Secure attachment can be a practical paradigm for couples therapy. Partners can create a more robust and healthier connection by identifying attachment styles and improving communication, emotional support, and trust. Couples can work through their problems and create a more secure attachment with the help of one of our skilled therapists, leading to a more fulfilling and satisfying marriage or love relationship.

Couples in therapy can learn to identify and express their wants and needs to their partner clearly and directly. Partners work to communicate without being critical or defensive, as well as empathically listening to your partner. Paying attention to what the other partner is saying, asking clarifying questions, and reflecting on what you’ve heard in terms of content and especially emotionally, are all examples of empathic listening.

Couples can also create a secure attachment style by learning to be more emotionally available to one another. Examples are being present at the moment, tuning into your partner’s feelings, and responding with warmth and support. Emotionally available partners can share their emotions and be vulnerable with each other, which can aid in the development of a stronger emotional bond.

Couples can improve their emotional availability in marriage therapy by engaging in mindfulness activities such as deep breathing or meditation. They can also focus on understanding each other’s emotional needs and learning how to respond with empathy and compassion.

Trust is another critical component of a secure attachment style and a healthy marriage. Couples can foster confidence by being dependable, consistent, and accountable to one another. They can also try to restore trust if damaged by past experiences.

Couples in therapy can learn to trust each other by establishing clear boundaries, being honest, and following through on commitments. They can also work on closeness and intimacy by planning positive events and activities together, like enjoyable date nights or action-filled vacations.

Finally, couples can create a more secure attachment style by learning to soothe and console one another. Partners can offer mental support and reassurance when the other partner is stressed, anxious, or upset. Couples can learn to soothe and comfort each other by empathically listening to each other, showing empathy and compassion, and validating each other’s emotions.

Overall, working towards a secure attachment style in marriage therapy necessitates being ready to be vulnerable, communicating openly and honestly, and working on trust and emotional intimacy. Couples can learn how to develop these skills and establish a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship with the assistance of one of our skilled marriage and couples therapists.

When finding a romantic partner, people with a secure attachment style search for specific characteristics in their prospective partners. Trust, emotional openness, and a feeling of safety and security in relationships characterize a secure attachment style. 

What do partners with secure attachment styles look for when dating?

First and foremost, those with a secure attachment style seek emotionally available companions. They want someone who can be vulnerable and open about their feelings and react to their partner’s emotions with warmth and support. This emotional availability is essential for developing a solid and long-lasting emotional bond.

Reliability is another essential quality that those with a secure attachment style look for in a partner. They want someone they can count on, keep promises and be there for them when needed. The sense of dependability contributes to developing trust in the relationship, a fundamental attribute for partners with a secure attachment style.

Potential mates with a secure attachment style are attracted to supportive and validating companions. They want someone to listen to them without judging them and to give them encouragement and praise when needed. This validation helps partners develop feelings of self-worth and confidence, which is essential for partners with a secure attachment style.

Compatibility is another crucial quality that partners with a secure attachment style seek in a partner. They seek someone who matches their values, interests, and life goals. This compatibility contributes to harmony and understanding in the partnership, essential ingredients for developing a strong emotional bond.

Finally, people with a secure attachment style prefer partners open to working on their partnership. They seek out people who are dedicated to developing healthy and enduring emotional connections and are willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work — a key sign of mental health we call frustration tolerance. This desire to work on the relationship contributes to a feeling of safety and security, which is essential for people with a secure attachment style.

People with a secure attachment style can choose partners with different attachment styles. In reality, those with a secure attachment style can establish strong and long-lasting emotional bonds with partners with different attachment styles. On the other hand, building a strong emotional connection with partners with insecure attachment styles may take more work and effort. 

Partners with a secure attachment style prefer partners with certain characteristics, such as emotional availability, dependability, supportiveness, compatibility, and a desire to work on the relationship. By selecting partners with these characteristics, those with a secure attachment style can create a strong and enduring emotional connection based on trust, openness, and a sense of safety and security. Finally, the key to finding a romantic partner is to find someone who can provide the emotional support, validation, and understanding you require to feel satisfied and happy in the relationship.