In order for a marriage to work, both spouses must maintain an open and honest communication with each other. This is the foundation of trust in a marriage. But when one of the parties is lying, it can break down that very foundation you’ve built your marriage on. Make sure you know how to deal with a lying spouse, especially if you still want to work out your marriage.
How to Deal with a Lying Spouse: Signs to Watch For
Are you married to a liar? It’s tough to be confronted with this question because the last thing that you would want to discover about your spouse is that they’re lying to you. You vowed to stay in love and to honor each other. Trust is integral to that. But you can’t have trust when someone is lying.
Whether it’s a small or a major lie, these are some of the things to watch out for so you know if your spouse is lying to you:
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If they are unable to give you straight answers to your questions and instead ask you a question of their own.
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If they cannot talk to you straight and use a lot of “fillers” when they talk. You know that they are using delaying tactics to come up with an excuse.
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If you notice any changes to their speech patterns. It means they are trying to cover up for something.
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If their words are not supported by their body language. If you have been married for a long time, then you are familiar with their non-verbal cues while communicating.
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If they refuse to give you access to their phone, especially if this has never been an issue before.
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If his stories keep changing. This is solid proof that someone is lying.
Tips on How to Deal with a Lying Spouse
In case any of the above scenarios apply to your marriage, what do you do next? Here are some helpful tips on how to deal with a lying spouse.
Review His Lying Pattern
One of the best ways to approach a lying spouse situation is to analyze the patterns of his lie. Is he lying because there is something in his past he is too embarrassed to share? Or does he do it to paint himself in a good light? Is there an affair that he is keeping from you?
It’s not a good idea to lash out at your spouse right away. Try to gather information about why he lies and what he lies about first.
It is also important to know the degree of his lies. This will help you identify the best approach to take in order to put a stop to this type of behavior and keep it from hurting your relationship.
Don’t Blame Yourself
A lot of spouses tend to think inwardly when they find out that their partner is lying. But don’t be tempted to do this.
You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for something that your spouse has done, especially when you find out your partner is cheating on you.
By not blaming yourself for what happened or the choices your partner has made, you will be able to think clearly on how you can address the situation. Be very wary if you are dealing with a pathological liar – someone who compulsively lies. They can be very manipulative.
Before you confront your spouse about the lie, think about what you want to achieve from it. That way, you won’t be easily swayed or put the blame on yourself.
Think About Whether You Want to Know the Truth
It’s hurtful enough to discover your spouse is lying to you; it can be more painful once you are confronted with the truth.
Before you confront your spouse about their lies, reflect first how you would react if you confirm the lie.
The moment you are open to accepting the truth, the lie will no longer hold power over you.
Work it Out as a Couple
It’s normal to want to deal with this issue on your own. After all, you are probably still full of resentment towards your spouse for lying to you. However, communication is more important now than ever.
Let your spouse know that you are deeply hurt by what they have done. Beat the toxicity by working it out together. You can even ask him to go back and let you know when the lying started.
This can be an indicator of things that aren’t working in your relationship that you need to sort out. This might be something serious that you have to address in an immediate manner. Unless you straighten out these issues, your spouse will continue to lie, and it will create a toxic cycle in your relationship.
Assess How It Has Affected Your Marriage
With the lie exposed, it is time to assess how your marriage is affected by your spouse’s lying. You need to know how (if at all) it has affected the relationship.
If it’s a white lie, there is a chance that you can easily patch things up. But if your spouse is lying about an extramarital affair, it might be more difficult to forgive him.
You need to reflect on a few important questions to help you decide how you will move on in your marriage. Here are a few questions you need to ask:
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Do you still love your spouse?
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Can you trust him again?
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Have they changed their behavior since you discovered the lie?
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Do you think that he will lie again?
Seek Professional Help
Seeking counseling is a good first step in order to cope with a lying spouse. A counselor can help a married couple overcome the pain of the betrayal and work through your emotions without judgment.
Counseling can also help you assess the status of your relationship and if it’s worth saving – if that is what you both want. In the counselor’s presence, you have a neutral zone wherein you can discuss the problems objectively.
There is no fun in catching your spouse lying. But it is better to discover sooner than later so you can take the necessary steps to save your marriage.
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